


In Anticipation of Catastrophe

by anarchycox



Series: Missing: Four Demons (If Found Return to Hell) [10]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Demons, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Love Confessions, M/M, Sick Eggsy, forgotten confessions, merlin as a chaperone, school field trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 08:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Eggsy is supposed to go on Daisy's school field trip. Eggsy is sick. Demon Merlin volunteers. It goes about as well as you expect.





	In Anticipation of Catastrophe

“I can go,” Eggsy was trying to insist, but the cough started again and he collapsed into bed.

“Yes you could,” Merlin replied, and smiled at him.

“Wait, you are supposed to say no,” Eggsy pouted, and if he wasn’t so covered in mucus Merlin would have kissed him. But right now Eggsy was too disgusting to touch, and he had a slime based demon working in his department. Also, Eggsy hadn’t yet realized that Merlin was flirting with him and wanted to kiss him. Flirtation seemed to go much better in his books.

“No, by all means, take the preschoolers to the museum, and get your sister sick,” Merlin said. “Your mother will yell at you for hours, Daisy will whimper and you’ll feel like crap.” Eggsy sneezed so hard the bogies broke the tissue and it got all over his hands, and Eggsy began to cry. “Crappier.”

“I love the museum, and Daisy asked me to be a chaperone,” Eggsy sobbed. “Me, personally, because she thought it would be fun. I thought it would be fun. And now I’m going to break her heart!” The sobs grew into a coughing fit, and Eggsy began to choke on phlegm. Merlin brought the small rubbish bin to him so he could spit. He grabbed the pack of baby wipes he had found in a cupboard and cleaned up Eggsy’s face. “Oh, that feels nice,” Eggsy said, his voice now a croak.

“You are gross, pale, and sticky. While that is not dissimilar to the children in preschool, the adults are not supposed to look like such,” Merlin shook his head. “I will go.”

Merlin did not think it warranted that much laughter from Eggsy. “Daisy knows me, I have picked her up with you from school, and Michelle can confirm for them that I am family.”

“You’re my house mate, and my demon.”

Merlin felt his jaw clench a little. “Fine, I’m sure they’ll be completely fucked, but fine.”

“Bugger, Merlin. I trust you with Daisy, you know that, but there is a huge difference between you leaving the magic books for her, and a goddamn field trip. Her class has 18 kids. You’d be watching over three of them.”

“At work I personally managed 33 at a time.”

“Merlin, baby, there is a world of difference between 33 people being tortured and minding three three year olds. That’s a lot of threes, why are there so many threes? Did the other numbers die? I like the number eleven, please let it be alive.” Eggsy was whimpering, and Merlin didn’t know what to do.

He pressed Eggsy down into the bed. “No harm will come to your sister under my care. And any who will try, will feel hell nipping at their heels. I will send their soul directly to the pit, where it will writhe in agony. Sort of like you right now, but it will never stop. WebMD says you’ll feel better in 2-5 days.”

“You need to get going. I’ll call Mum and the school. And just don’t do the swallow your soul stuff around the three year olds, and remember Maleficent and Captain Hook are the villains yeah?”

“But they make important points, and honestly Peter Pan seems incredibly shifty for interfering with the good man’s work.” Merlin smoothed the blankets over Eggsy. “Come along JB I’ll let you out to do your business and then you are in charge of the house, okay?”

JB barked and Merlin smiled. He was not the smartest dog, but he loved Eggsy, so Merlin loved him. Merlin took him out, and then brought him back in. He looked at the time, and realized there was not much to spare. Merlin shouted a goodbye and ran out, to make it to Daisy’s school. It would be more efficient just to go to the place of the field trip, but he realized he didn’t actually know where it is. He arrived at the preschool, just as children were lining up outside. He found a person with a clipboard. “I’m here.”

She stepped back a little, and Merlin wondered why she was scared, her soul was a sweet one. She was safe. He then realized how he probably looked. Middle aged man, who according to Eggsy had resting serial killer face who had come running up to a row of preschool children. He looked to the row, “Daisy, darling. Eggsy is all bogies. I’m here for your field trip.” Daisy waved furiously and was then talking to her friends.

“He’s the one who said broccoli is a lie!” Immediately all the children were staring at him, and cheers broke out.

“Broccoli is a wonderful food,” the teacher insisted. “It helps you grow and -”

“And it looks like little trees were harvested, a dark symbol of the climate change people have wrought on this earth. Each time you eat a piece of broccoli it is a symbol of the wastefulness that is apparently just a part of human nature.” Merlin looked at her. “Do you want to destroy the planet?”

“Eating broccoli does not destroy the planet!”

“Are you sure?” Merlin smiled. “Children should stick with carrots, they give you superpowers. Make you see in the dark.”

A little boy in the row gasped “They do?”

“Merlin don’t lie, Eggsy said! I want superpowers,” Daisy said. “Miss do we have carrots for snack?” Every child was clambering for carrot sticks and the Merlin noticed the woman’s soul darken for a moment as she contemplated beating him with her clipboard. He decided he liked being on field trips.

“Now then, where am I supposed to be?”

“You need to leave,” she said firmly.

Another woman came out of the school. “Mr. Unwin, welcome,” she said and held out her hand to Merlin. “We appreciate you stepping in at the last minute.”

“It is my pleasure. Eggsy was devastated that he couldn’t make it.” Now this woman’s soul was interesting. Avarice but for a good cause. And it was interesting that she accepted money from Michelle to make sure he was allowed on the field trip. He could see it on her clear as day, a couple hundred quid. But the woman was also confused why Michelle had laughed so much during the phone call.

Merlin wondered why Michelle had laughed so much.

He then realized he had been called Mr. Unwin, because they didn’t really have a last name for him yet. He had used Unwin for his library card and never told Eggsy. He liked being an Unwin, that someone else called him that as well.

“Mr. Unwin is Eggsy’s partner, and is going to be a wonderful chaperone for the children.”

“He made us all want carrots!” Daisy shouted.

“See?” the director smiled at the teacher. “A wonderful influence.”

Oh now the teacher wanted to beat the director with the clipboard. This was so much fun. “Of course, ma’am. Welcome Mr. Unwin.”

“Please, Merlin. My first field trip. This is very exciting. And a school bus! Where is it taking us?”

“The Victoria and Albert.”

“Oh I love that museum. All the stolen artifacts from Egypt that damned the souls of many an Englishman. Wonderful,” Merlin rocked on his heels. “I can tell you much about the old kingdoms.”

“I don’t know if stolen is the right word,” she said, “especially in front of 3 year olds. Because stealing is bad, isn’t it children?” she added raising her voice and a chorus of yes miss filled the air.

“Of course, stealing is very very wrong,” Merlin agreed. “That is why 70% of the people who ‘donated’ to museums are burning in lakes of fire in hell. Well, no, that is wrong, 30% of those are in the ironic punishment wing. It’s really fun there.”

“Isn’t Merlin the weirdest? It’s so fun, he makes up stories that get him in super duper trouble with Mummy,” Daisy told her friends. “He tells me monster stories. And sometimes, they are really scawy.”

“Scary, my love, remember our rrrrs. We are pirates on the high seas and never forget to say arr,” he was really working with her on pronunciation and her alphabet. It was fun.

“Scary,” she repeated. “Mummy says his stories are so scary, that I shouldn’t be hearing them until I’m at least eight!”

“Wow,” one boy looked in awe. “I wanna hear, I wanna hear.”

“Yes, may I have that child with Daisy? And...oh that boy there, as well. He is intrigued but quiet. He will pair well beside Daisy who talks a lot.” He smiled at Daisy, “You know that I like that you talk a lot, like your brother.”

“I do!” Daisy shouted.

Merlin looked at the teacher. “There we go, I have claimed my children. Now let us go on the bus.”

The teacher blinked, and looked at her EAs and the two other parents along for the trip. “I...okay fine. Let’s go to the museum.”

Merlin got in line behind the children with the other adults. “So my job is to make sure they deface no art and the museum and them all survive in one piece correct?”

“Pretty much,” a mother agreed. “It is an adult exhibit, but the children’s coordinator at the museum, is really wonderful. So we’ll look at a bit of the art and she’ll tell stories, then we’ll go to a room and do some arts and crafts.”

“Interesting,” Merlin agreed. “I do love the Egyptian area.”

“Oh no,” one of the EAs said. “This is a special traveling exhibit, The Guardians of our Souls. Angel art and artifacts from the Vatican.”

Merlin’s smile slowly grew over his face. Eggsy had clearly been too sick to remember that detail, otherwise he would have bodily thrown himself in front of the door to stop Merlin from going on this field trip.

This was going to be fucking spectacular.

***********************

“The humidity controls in that case must be broken, I’ll put in a call,” their tour guide told them. Merlin smiled at the way the angel statue in the case was weeping. A couple paintings the angels clearly shivered before returning to their proper place. A few children swore the paintings were moving but all the adults dismissed it as imagination. The children’s tour guide was doing a fair job of engaging the children and well versed in the artifacts though they got a few things wrong.

“No, that is not by Michaelangelo, that sketch is by one of the young men he shagged,” Merlin said to her, when she was making a ninja turtle joke. “He was a fair hand at copying Michaelangelo to be sure, but the strokes are too heavy to be the master himself.”

The tour guide looked at him. “Well, umm, we don’t actually know for sure if…” She cleared her throat and smiled. “Now, how about a game?” she said cheerfully. “You will break into groups and I want you to go around the exhibit. I will give you adult a sheet, and you need to find me all the things on the list, okay?”

The children all began to talk and ask questions and chaos was slowly sinking in but the guide and teacher had them well in hand quickly enough. Merlin was given his sheet and the three children he had requested. He looked at the list. “We need to find an angel with a sword, a rosary, and a pink flower.”

Merlin lead his charges around the exhibit, and they found the rosary in a jewelry display and he took a photo of the children with it. “Are you okay with the exhibit, Hassan?”

The quiet boy nodded. “Mummy said art is art and we can like all of it. She showed me pretty Qur’ans, said we would go to a museum that has nice ones too.”

“That sounds like fun,” Merlin agreed.

“I wanna see Quawns, too,” Daisy said, and the other boy in the group agreed.

“Hmmm, do we have enough time to break out of this exhibit and go look for them?” Merlin wondered aloud.

The children saw a chance for adventure and said yes, yes, yes. Merlin agreed and they headed towards the exit, but the teacher hurried in front of them. “No,” she said firmly. “We are staying together.”

Merlin glared at her a little. “This exhibit is boring.”

“To you; guardian angels are an important thing to many.”

“Guardian angels are dicks, smug, annoying, think they are so important.”

“How about you stick to your list,” she smiled at him. “Soon it will be arts and crafts time.”

“Very well,” Merlin agreed and moved his three charges over to a bench. “Thwarted.”

“It’s okay,” Hassan said. “Mummy is going to bring me.”

“Perhaps Daisy and I could join you,” Merlin said. “A museum play date.”

Daisy hugged Hassan far too tightly, but he didn’t seem to mind. “Museum play date!” she shouted.

“Misser Daisy’s man, we need to find an angel with sword,” his other charge said.

“Right, let’s see.” They walked around and a few more statues cried, a chalice fell over. “Eye spy with my little eye, a painting that has a sword.” He walked closer to it. “The archangel Michael.”

“He looks mean,” Daisy said.

“Stern, resolute. He was heartbroken at the war of heaven and hell.” Merlin looked at the painting. “He funneled that heartbreak into determination. Punishment for those that broke his heart. Good soldier. Dropped his left a lot when fighting.”

“He’s stepping on someone, is that person bad?” Davey pointed. “He looks ugly.”

Merlin looked at the description on the painting. “That is supposedly Lucifer, the devil.”

“He has horns!” Daisy said. “Like you!” She clapped her hand over her mouth and looked worried.

Merlin gazed at her. Interesting. “Like in those stories I make up for you, yes.” He stared at the painting. “Lucifer is beautiful. No horns, he is the only one to jump and retain their more heavenly visage. A punishment, a gift, hard to say. But he is supposed to be bad, so artists make him ugly. It is a problem.”

“He’s the devil, he is bad.”

“No, he just is someone who wanted a choice. We all were. Well no, some people fell because they were arses, thought we’d win. Harry and I, even the boss, knew we’d lose. But we made them see us. Hear us. And believe me, they did.” Merlin looked at his charges who were very confused. Because they were three and being asked to understand concepts that were huge. He crouched down. “Do you know about heaven at all?” They shook their heads no. “Angels?”

“I’ve watched Angels in the Outfield on telly with Da,” Davey offered. “And Mummy when he says grown up words say Oi keep the devil’s tongue away from our boy.”

Merlin had to snort at that. “A good movie,” Merlin agreed. He looked around at the art. “You know how your Mummy and Da, or your Eggsy keep you safe and loved?” They all nodded. “Some people believe that angels are doing that to, looking out for us. And they believe it so much they made all this art showing it. Some of it is good, some of it isn’t, but they did that because they had an idea and wanted to share it.” He looked at the painting of Michael. “There are good guys and bad guys just like in movies. Angels and Demons. But something you’ll understand when you get older, some bad guys are misunderstood and some good guys are good for all the wrong reasons and that is not very good at all. But we still need to find a pink flower.”

“While we look, can you tell us one of the scary stories, Daisy said?”

“I’ll tell you about Raphael from that painting there,” Merlin pointed to their left, “hurting my best friend, and how I flew over, god’s light burning the feathers of my wings away, and just kicked his arse into next week.”

Davey turned to Daisy, “He’s so cool. He said arse! Like twice.”

“I know!” Daisy giggled. “He gets in so much trouble with Mummy and Eggsy.”

“Awesome,” Hassan grinned. “I like you.”

“Why thank you, young man. I like you as well.” Merlin told them a story about his battle with Raphael as they found the pink flower and rejoined the others. They were the last to arrive and as they joined he was saying, “and of course I spilled his blood, which being an archangel was more like hope and promise made flesh, but it spilled out as a river and I pulled my friend away and we stood defiant to face our death, Harry holding his eye in his -”

“And that is quite enough I think,” the teacher stared at him in horror.

“What was he holding it in, his pocket?” Davey asked.

“His hand?” Hassan offered.

“His mouth?”

“No pockets, that’s the big thing all the art has wrong. Angels are nude. No clothing.”

“There are angel booties flying around heaven?” one child shouted and soon chants of naked angels and angel booty went through the kids. The teacher’s soul shimmered again as she contemplated murdering Merlin.

The tour guide quickly hustled everyone to the art room, where the children got to make halos and wings. Merlin made pipe cleaner devil horns and put them on his head. He really liked doing field trips, and hoped he’d be able to convince Eggsy and Michelle that he got to help out more at Daisy’s school.

Snacks were broken out and the children fought over the few carrots and they were all running out of energy. It had been a busy morning. Daisy came over and snuggled into his lap. “Merlin?”

“Yes, my dear?”

“Is heaven nice?”

“For some, it is very nice.”

“If it is so nice, why’d you leave?” she yawned and snuggled in close.

“Because if I had stayed, well then I would have never met you and Eggsy.”

“The paintings were old. You had to wait a long time for us. That’s no fun.”

“Oh, trust me, dear one, I had plenty of fun while waiting for you two.”

“Sowwy we took so long.”

Merlin kissed her head, his pipe cleaner devil horns sliding down. “I don’t mind a second of the wait, I have you now.”

“Eggsy kept you.”

“He seems to have, yes.”

“I like your horns and wings.” Daisy felt asleep shortly after and he stroked a hand up and down her back. Worn thin children were herded back to the bus, Merlin ended up carrying both Hassan and Daisy and nudging Davey in front of him. It was very interesting that Daisy could see him. Eggsy’s family continued to be very interesting. At the preschool all the kids were slid onto cots and those not already asleep quickly passed out in the dim lights and soft music. The teacher thanked the other parents who drifted away and Merlin smiled at her. “I liked this,” he told her. “I would be happy to help out more.”

Oh, the poor woman paled at that thought. Overwhelmed in gratitude. “I will keep that in mind,” she said and Merlin could easily read the lie of it. But perhaps she’d change her mind. And he’d get to take Daisy on her museum play date with Hassan.

“Is it because I said angels are naked. They are you know.”

“Thank you, Mr. Unwin,” she said firmly and Merlin took the hint and headed out. When he was outside, he saw Eggsy hurrying to him. That wasn’t right, the man shouldn’t be out of bed.

Merlin went to him, “Eggsy, you should be in bed.”

“Oh good, got to you before you left,” Eggsy was gasping. “You cannot go on this field trip. Remembered what they were seeing. Angels, it is all angel crap, you cannot go into that room.” He sort of collapsed against Merlin. “I can go. I have...a lot of cold medicine in me. I can see your wings, they are blue and sparkly.”

“Eggsy, the field trip is over, I was just coming home to you. It went very well. Your mother will have to arrange a museum play date with Hassan. I’ll be happy to take Daisy.”

“Hassan’s the quiet one that Daisy shares her fruit snack with,” Eggsy said, “hey your eyes are swirling more than normal.”

“Indeed.”

“Is the art still alive?”

“It is, though it did not like me being there,” Merlin grinned. “There was some fun. I wish to go back.”

“Oh, fuck no baby, no destroying masterpieces.”

“My presence will hardly destroy them,” Merlin said. “How stoned are you right now?”

“Feels like my first time getting high,” Eggsy grinned at him. “I definitely am on too many drugs right now.” He proved it reaching out trying to touch Merlin’s wings. “But I’m not coughing or covered in bogies so you can like me again.”

“I always like you, Eggsy,” Merlin promised. “Come on.”

“Okay!” Eggsy said and walked away and then stopped. “Where am I coming to?”

“To the museum.”

“That’s a bad idea, I like it. Are we going to steal art? I wanna be an art thief.”

“No, I just want to show you something in the collection. Now while you are high enough that you likely won’t remember.”

“Why don’t you want me to remember, that feels me, and you aren’t never mean to me. Petty and annoying yes, but you save the mean for work, and you are on a fifty year minimum holiday.” Eggsy’s eyes filled. “Why are you being mean?”

Merlin could only focus on one thing. “You want me for fifty years?”

“Well hoping more, but seems greedy to automatically assume you are going above 76.”

“Take my hand, Eggsy.”

“You have eight.”

Merlin reached out took Eggsy’s hand, and took them to the tube station. Once they were at the museum, he paid the fees for the exhibit and when they were inside it he lead Eggsy to a specific painting.

“Oh shit, I’m higher than I thought. There’s a frog in the painting,” Eggsy whispered. “And mermaids, oh my god the painting is moving. Is it moving?”

“Aye, that is my fault, but the frog is real.” Merlin watched the angels in the painting glare at him. “Yes, yes, I know,” he said and they settled back down. “The artist was influenced by Bosch according to the plaque there.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Me neither, to be honest. The chaos of that painting? That’s what it was like. That is me, there. First time I’ve seen myself in the art humans create. Harry too.”

“What?” Eggsy moved closer, as close as the ropes would let him. “Moth, butterfly wing thing, that’s Harry yeah?”

“It is.” Merlin looked at the painting. “Raphael there, though I am sure they think it is Michael.”

“Which freaky deaky are you?”

“The naked goblin in the helm.”

“I’ve seen you get out of the shower, your arse is a lot better than that.”

Merlin laughed a bit, and looked at the painting. “We were not so ugly of course. We looked like each other. But demon, ugly, small, cruel. Still though, that painting is the closest I’ve ever seen to what it was like.”

“Some angels are losing,” Eggsy said.

“They are. Biblical artists don’t like to admit that maybe we took down a few in the rebellion.”

“You know, in movies the rebels tend to be the good guys. Look at Star Wars.”

“The boss likes the prequels.”

“Fucking hell, he is so messed up.” Eggsy leaned against Merlin. “So I mean do you want me to forget the painting? Because I know I do, because sorry Merlin if you like it, but it is ugly as fuck.”

“I don’t, but I suppose it is nice in some small way to be remembered. To have been seen.” Merlin wrapped an arm around Eggsy. “But it reminded me I’m not good. I’m a demon, Eggsy, and we play at whatever we play at, and I act like a human, but at the end of the day, I’m a naked goblin with a shitty sword who basically shouted you can’t fire me I quit and the universe’s strongest boss.”

Eggsy shook his head. “Nah, baby. One again your arse is better. Two, you looked a completely impossible thing in the face and told it to fuck off, because you saw how bullshitty it was. That shit is sick. You and Harry are evil as sin, yeah, but that doesn’t mean you are bad.”

“Eggsy, I think it means exactly that.” Merlin looked at him. “Angels and demons, we don’t have souls like how humans do. It is just...different. How I love? It will never be the same as how you do, and you deserve better than that.”

“You love Harry.”

“I do.”

“And you love your Boss.”

“After a fashion.”

“You went to the ultimate war for them.”

“With them, it is an important distinction. Side by side.”

“You here, with me, side by side?”

“I am,” Merlin swore. “By god, I am.” The lights flickered, and a statue screamed. Security quickly began to escort everyone out. “Oh shove off, you old wanker,” Merlin said. “Monty Python have the best interpretation of you and I know that pisses you off that Graham Chapman ended up in heaven.”

“God hates gay people?”

“No, he loves all his children. Blah blah blah, we’d be welcomed back if we ever repented.”

“Wait, you could go back to heaven?” Eggsy looked at him. “You don’t have to be a demon? Maybe that is information you should have shared????”

“Because I don’t want to,” Merlin said. “I chose the jump, always. But he’s annoyed when he has to meet the people who parody him so well. He’s god, he’s got no sense of humour. Another reason heaven is bollocks, no sarcasm.”

“When I die, I’m going to hell. You can put me up in your flat.”

“Eggsy, I don’t want you in hell.”

“No, like I’m not going to do bad stuff. I’m just going to choose.” Eggsy looked at him, eyes glazed, and snot starting to drip again. “Side by side yeah?”

“Remember, you won’t remember this.”

“Oh like I’m ever going to forget I have fallen in love with you,” Eggsy rolled his eyes a little too hard and passed out.

“What the fuck?” Merlin shouted as he caught Eggsy. Bells from the religious exhibit began to ring behind him. “You shut up,” he pointed at the room. “And I’ve seen humanity. Michael your dick is tiny, if you are listening.”

Merlin threw Eggsy over his shoulder and grabbed one of the cabs out front of the museum. He got them home, and tucked Eggsy in.

He had guessed right, in the morning Eggsy didn’t remember any of his drug fueled trip through London and the museum.

But Merlin did.

On his next Thursday errands he picked up a bouquet of flowers. His books all suggested flowers were a good way to show affection. When Eggsy asked what was up with them, Merlin simply replied. “They made me think of you.”


End file.
